Today I will be Lieutenant Dan.

Today is the day I will become Lieutenant Dan.

Let me explain.

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For the past few years, I have been terribly afraid of thunderstorms. I would start shaking, sweating, have rapid heartbeats and hyperventilation at the first distant rumble. I wrote many poems, cried on many couches and hid under many pillows. I also listened to headphones to try and drown out the noise.

Now, that kind of worked. But it seriously hindered my life and completely ruined my summers. I could not enjoy a beautiful day if I knew there was a chance of thunderstorms forecasted for later that night. I had to decline invitations to do fun outside adventures because of my fear.

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Last summer, in an effort to take my life back, I started going to therapy and was also put on an anti-anxiety medication. The therapy helped a little, but honestly, after talking about the same problem over and over again, I got really sick of it and stopped going. The anti-anxiety medication brought with a slew of its own problems and I have recently discontinued them.

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For the past eight months, I have put a lot of thought into the power of my mind. I know that my fear of thunderstorms is not actually my fear of lightning. It is my fear of unannounced sound and my inability to control the noise level around me. This correlates with my fear of scary movies. I can't handle suspense: y'know, the silence followed by the jumpy loud and frightening moment. I get about as worked up watching those movies as I do during a storm.

So if I recognize what my problem is and know in my mind and heart that I have the power inside of me to get over my fear, I can finally take control of my life. Even though I don't have control over the storm, I do have control over my reaction to it.

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I have also applied this reasoning to my general panic attacks and I have had some very empowering success with it. Last week, I was able to talk myself down. This is a huge step in the right direction and I know that I might finally have the inner strength to face the storm.

I decided a few months ago that the first storm of the year I will have my Lieutenant Dan moment. Do you remember when Lieutenant Dan climbs the mast of the shimp boat and screams all crazy like to the sky, making his peace with God? He is my inspiration. While I was checking how warm it would be today, I noticed that they are forecasting thunderstorms for my area this evening. Now is my chance! I am going to sit on Kyle's porch and face the storm. I will be outside but under a roof that will protect me from the rain. I may act a little crazy and I will probably be really scared. I am going to pick up a bottle of wine or maybe brandy to ease the nerves a bit.

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Today I will face the storm.

My fear.

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I will scream to the sky that it cannot control my life. And I won't let it. I am reclaiming my summer, my night's sleep, my peace.

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Today is the day.